Coming Out

coming out

After Ellen

With the recent Golden Globes and Ellen Degeneres winning the Carol Burnett award I figured why not tell my coming out story. She has set the platform for people around the world to feel ok about coming out. Be true to who you are no matter what. I know I looked up to her when I was coming out, watching her shows, reading her books and even finding content on AfterEllen.

While I always knew I was different and that I ‘liked’ girls I continued to date boys into my early 20’s. My first lesbian experience however was when I was about 19. My best friend and I had gone to the club one Friday night (best friend at the time won’t be named *smiles at the memory). We had enough drinks and danced all night to be feeling pretty good walking out of the club. Our ears were ringing from the music and the booze; we stepped out on the street and I asked her for a piece of gum.

I kissed a girl and I liked it

Her response, which was weird to me at the time, was “sure but you have to take it from my mouth”. I think my head snapped around so hard and I had a look of shock and excitement on my face that I responded “ya right”. So she said nope, no gum….she was always a playful and fun girl to be around. So I quickly thought this through, since I could be kissing a girl for the first time ever something I had always dreamed about, I said ok fine. I think liquid courage helped me that night! I went for the gum that was between her always wet from Chap Stick lips and we kissed….like not a peck but a full on kiss. That moment changed my life. I know we both felt something because we walked home that night and kissed every second we could. For it having been my first time ever kissing a girl I felt ‘normal’, I felt like this was who I was, a lesbian.

We must have taken 2 hours to walk home but I didn’t care, even as we got to her mom and dad’s we were immediately on the couch making out. I don’t know if she sobered up or had a sudden change of feelings but she stopped, just like that she said she wasn’t a lesbian and didn’t want to kiss me anymore. As she stopped kissing me and wanting to be close to me all I wanted was her and more of it! She went from being my best friend to someone I couldn’t stop thinking about in a sexual way. I don’t truly recall how our friendship was after that but I do know I will never forget how free I felt and scared all at the same time, as if people suddenly knew I was gay.

At the time I had a boyfriend

At the time I was in a relationship with a guy and maintained that relationship after that night to try to hide the fact that I liked women I guess. Coming out is a very scary thing, especially when you’ve only been known to date boys and it was the late 90’s in a small town. Shortly after that night I told my boyfriend and naturally he was upset, I had cheated on him. We broke up after that but have remained friends since.

Back to I’m Gay

I kissed a girl and now I felt like I was on top of the world. I met some people from Toronto Ontario and started going to clubs and meeting all kinds of people. Some gay some bi-sexual and some were heterosexual, either way we all just wanted to party and hang out. In the city, far away enough from my home town, I felt like I could be anyone and not care. And so that is what I did, I made out with a bunch of girls but that was short lived. I wanted to be loved by someone and love someone in return not just have a make out session. Not long after all the clubbing and parties I met a girl at work and I was immediately attracted to her. The problem was that she had a long term girlfriend and they had kids. Since we worked together we started hanging out and she claimed she wasn’t happy at home, well one thing led to another and as lesbians do, we were having an affair. I felt horrible for the other girl but at the same time I was in love for the first time. My first real lesbian love relationship. They ended up breaking up and we dated for 5 years. In the end she broke my heart but I also learned a lot about who I was and who I wanted to be….slowly but surely I would find love again.

Oh and before I forget….I told my mom I was a lesbian the day before my sisters wedding. It didn’t go over as well as I had planned. What’s your coming out story?

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