I haven’t been emotionally available lately in regards to my writing. I am sorry I haven’t been as I know some of my readers have been checking back to the site often. I let my emotions get the best of me and I hid from it, I pretended the site didn’t exist and I ignored you all and myself and for that I am sorry. I have since come to terms and smartened up and took care of the issue that was bothering me. Of course, this COVID pandemic did not help either, although it should have been the time that I was writing the most. I found myself hurting the most important person in my life and all because I was being selfish.  

Wasted time

So here I sit thinking about the time lost and the time wasted and what I have learned from it all. We cannot hide from ourselves or the people we love, it only causes issues for everyone. I now know I want to use all the time I have to take care of myself and the people I love, at all costs. I’ve always been the type of person that was afraid to feel anything long term. I was always about that moment and that little boost of self-esteem but as we all know that is so short lived. I think we sometimes cause our own pain and self-hate when we should be that one person that creates our own happiness and our own self boosting love! I’ve recently started following a lot of motivational Instagram accounts…. just as a little reminder of who we are as people and especially as women….no offense to the men in my life, you are all wonderful too. We as women need to take care of each other not put one another down. My partner and I are raising children and trying to show them love and respect and how to be good people. The only way we can do that is by being good people. Children often learn from what they see not always from what they hear. Show them how to be successful and loving and independent, do that by being that person! 

We lose touch

As we get older and have families and careers time seems to fly by and we lose touch.  My partner works shift work and when she’s on nights she’s gone for most of our waking hours. I put my main focus on us for the few shorts hours I do get to see her. We have meaningful conversation or we just cuddle and watch a show. During this whole pandemic she’s been working and sacrificing for our family, I am very thankful for what she does. I have been out of full-time work since the pandemic started so she has to pick up extra shifts. I know she doesn’t want to be away from us and I am incredibly thankful for her sacrifices she makes for her family.  

It’s never too late

I read this and thought, this is perfect. I am constantly learning and changing and growing as a person. All I want to do is be a good person and partner to my wife and a role model for our children. I don’t want to be afraid to change or to talk about what I want to talk about.  

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” 
― Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Screenplay 

I remember on my 30th birthday I got a card from a dear old friend, and inside that card she said she wasn’t buying me pointless gifts and needless junk instead she promised to give me time. She said let’s spend more time together and do things, meaningful things like go for a coffee or a walk or a drive and have great conversation. I still have that card; it meant the world to me. And even though we don’t talk as often as we used to, as soon as we do connect it is as though we had been talking all along. Those are the friendships we need the most. I also recently got in touch with another friend and he immediately apologized for not contacting me sooner but then also went on to say he is thankful and cherishes our friendship because we are always able to just reconnect. He’s going through a rough time right now and he said there is no one else he would rather sit and chat with than me.  

I lost so much time

Like I said earlier I feel like I lost so much time for being selfish. I will not hide anymore or fear the unknown, instead I will learn from my mistakes and not waste any more time. 

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