Vulnerability Is a Scary Thing

love

Vulnerability is a scary thing

The first time we kissed I knew I was in trouble….a good trouble of course. Our relationship came completely unexpected and not at the greatest time in our lives. We were both going through very tough breakups but so thankful to have found love when we did.

We had first met about 10 years prior, she was a goalie in our hockey league and I played forward on another team. We were both in committed relationships when we met and we really only knew each other on the ice or in the bar after the game. I can still picture her though, coming up stairs to the bar for a beer and always wearing a red ball cap with her curly black hair hanging out the back. I secretly always wanted to know more about her but the timing was never right.

Fast forward 10 years and she is the love of my life. I cannot even imagine a life without her even though it hasn’t always been easy for us. All relationships are a lot of work but when two people are in love there is nothing that can stop them. I had my heart broken when I was about 25 years old and it took me a very long time to get over it…I didn’t trust anyone, I wasn’t able to let myself be vulnerable with anyone and I didn’t even trust myself. But that first time Jen and I kissed I knew I never wanted to kiss anyone else for as long as I live. It was like she sucked all the bad stuff out of me and in a single kiss made me feel like I could let all of those walls I had built up through the years down with her and that she would never hurt me.

What I didn’t know at the time was that I had a lot to learn about myself and a lot of growing up to do.

 We immediately hit it off, as if we had known one another our whole lives. We instantly became best friends. I told her everything and she told me everything, we would send emails and texts and just listen to each other breathe on the phone for hours on end. It was the greatest feeling I had ever felt that I could remember, a feeling I never want to live without.

At some point in our relationship I started to feel like I didn’t deserve this woman. I’d never felt so loved and wanted and everything about us was so amazing, including and especially the sex, so how could I ever deserve this kind of love? I never let anyone in when it came to sex because I hated feeling vulnerable, I mean I was and have always been a very sexual person but not when it came to me. So I started to feel like I wasn’t deserving and I suddenly found myself being a jealous person. She has never given me a reason to be jealous but for some reason I would make things up in my head and blame her. I was accusing her of all kinds of things and acting very immature.  It was awful for both of us and I didn’t even know why I was acting that way. At one point she told me she was done with me unless I figured my issues out, so that was when I contacted a hypnotherapist and I started seeing her once a week. I had some serious underlying issues that I didn’t even know I had and it felt great to get it all off of my chest. I wasn’t angry inside anymore or feeling constant jealousy and trying to sabotage our relationship. But what I didn’t know was that the damage of my previous actions was already done. I hurt the woman I love and now I have to fix it. I am always working on myself to be the best version of me and to show love and respect to the woman that I love and adore. I will always fight for what I believe in and I believe in us.

Because of us

Jen and I are still best friends, we still enjoy each other’s company and we always have fun together but like all relationships we have our issues. We lack in the communication department and we struggle as a blended family and trying to piece it all together but we both want this and we continue to work on us every day. I don’t know if she knows how I feel about her completely. I mean we have been dating for years and I still get butterflies in the pit of my tummy when I am with her. I can’t keep my eyes or my hands off of her and when we are together it always feels like we are the only two people in the room. I tell her constantly and I mean constantly that I love her and that I am crazy about her, that she is beautiful and a great mom and a great partner. I love coming home to her and I love her coming home to me and our babies. I hope they always see and remember the love that we share and that they grow up knowing what a loving relationship looks like because of us.

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Shannon@lezodyssey.com

A loving mom to two beautiful girls and a loving step mom to a beautiful girl and a handsome boy. Being a lesbian mom and how we survive.

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